“And live with them in kindness.”
— Qur’an 4:19
People's Rights Begin at Home. I want to place an important point before myself—and before all of us. It is something that is as important
as worship, and perhaps, in practical terms, even more difficult than worship.
We often speak about Huquq Allah—the rights of Allah. We
worship Allah through prayer, fasting, dhikr, and other acts of devotion. And
when we fall short, we turn to Allah in repentance and ask for forgiveness.
But there is another category that we sometimes overlook: Huquq
al-‘Ibad—the rights of people. I
have my wife, my children, my parents, my brothers and sisters, my relatives,
my neighbours, and the wider human community around me. How I deal with these people is also a matter of accountability
before Allah.
If I wrong another human being, I cannot simply assume that
my prayers and fasting will erase the wrong I have done to that person. The
Qur’anic principle of justice requires us to take the rights of others
seriously. And this is where I
want to focus particularly on the relationship between husband and wife.
The Husband-Wife Relationship: I am a man. I am a husband. Like
other men, I have grown up within a social environment that carries certain
ideas about masculinity. Among
these ideas is the strange notion that a man should not show too much affection
towards his wife.
If a man becomes openly loving and considerate towards his
wife, someone may jokingly—or sometimes seriously—say: “You were a good man before, but now you have become zan-mureed!” In other words, you have started
following your wife.
But why should love, tenderness and respect towards one's
wife be considered a weakness? What
exactly is a taboo? It is a social or cultural custom that discourages or
prohibits a particular behaviour. And
sometimes these taboos are so deeply embedded in us that we follow them without
ever asking whether they have any moral or religious basis.
I have been thinking about these things myself. A very close friend of mine, Imran,
with whom I once went for Hajj, shared something with me that made me think
deeply. He is around my age, and I
noticed a significant change in the way he related to his wife. I asked him about it. He
shared some very powerful reflections with me. I told him:
“Imran, I am going to make a clip about this because you
have opened my eyes as well. Since I make these clips, I want to take this
message to other people.”
So I want to acknowledge something very clearly: the
thoughts I am sharing here originated from those reflections of my friend
Imran. I am deeply indebted to him for them.
The Problem of Male Chauvinism: There is a form of male chauvinism
within many of us. Chauvinism
means an excessive prejudice in favour of one's own group or one's own
interests. When this takes the
form of male chauvinism, a man can begin to believe that because he is a man,
he is naturally entitled to greater authority, greater freedom and greater
control.
And because a man may possess greater physical strength, he
may even begin to think that this gives him the right to dominate his wife. That is where the real danger begins. The problem is not masculinity itself.
The problem is when masculinity becomes detached from responsibility,
compassion, and accountability.
A man may remember that he is physically stronger, but
forget that he has been entrusted with responsibilities.
Worship Is Not Enough: This is why I believe that our
religious life cannot be limited to prayer, fasting and dhikr. We need all of these things. But alongside them, we need to learn
how to treat our wives with compassion, gentleness, affection, and respect. In fact, this is itself part of our
religious responsibility.
We often speak about the elevated position of one's mother.
The famous hadith in which the Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon
him) was asked who deserved the greatest right over a person mentions the
mother three times before the father. This
beautifully illustrates the honour given to the mother.
But there is another relationship that deserves our
attention. The first human
relationship in this world was not that of mother and child. It was the
relationship between Adam and Hawwa—husband and wife.
Allah created Adam and then created his spouse. Thus, the
marital relationship is foundational to human society. If this relationship is healthy, it can become a source of
stability for the entire family. If
it is damaged, its effects can spread throughout the family.
There is an old philosophical maxim: “Know thyself.” I
would add: true happiness requires us to honestly examine ourselves. After many years of marriage, I have
realised that one of the most difficult things is to identify one's own
shortcomings. It is easy to
identify what my wife did wrong. It
is much harder to ask: What did I
do wrong? What could I have done differently? Was my tone unnecessarily harsh? Did I hurt her dignity? Did I listen to her? Did I fulfil her rights? Did I allow my ego to become more
important than my relationship? These
are uncomfortable questions. But
conscious living requires us to ask them.
Religion Is Not Merely a Private Affair: We sometimes hear that
religion is a private affair. I do
not think it is that simple. The
Qur’an says in Surah al-‘Asr: وَتَوَاصَوْا بِالْحَقِّ وَتَوَاصَوْا
بِالصَّبْرِ
“And they urge one another to the truth, and they urge
one another to patience.”
Qur’an 103:3
We are therefore encouraged to remind one another about
truth and patience. That is what
my friend Imran did for me. And
now I am sharing those reflections with you.
Even Love for Our Children Can Become Unequal: Before coming directly
to husbands and wives, there is another uncomfortable reality in our society. Consider the way daughters are
sometimes treated in matters of inheritance. A daughter's rightful share may be denied while sons receive
what should belong to her.
Why does this happen? One
reason can be that our emotional attachment to sons is not always the same as
our attachment to daughters. But
if a father genuinely develops the same compassion and love for his daughter as
he has for his son, could he so easily deprive her of her rightful inheritance? Love changes the way we see people.
And perhaps this is also the key to improving our marriages.
“They Are Garments for You”: The Qur’an gives us a remarkably
beautiful description of marriage. Allah
says in Surah al-Baqarah: “They
are clothing for you and you are clothing for them.” Qur’an 2:187
What a profound metaphor. Clothing is close to the body. It protects. It
provides comfort. It conceals
one's vulnerabilities. It gives
dignity. And it is something we
live with every day. The Qur’an
therefore describes husband and wife as garments for one another. The relationship is intimate,
protective and deeply personal.
It also provides a legitimate framework for human sexual
needs and protects society from sexual disorder and promiscuity. The husband-wife relationship is
therefore not some secondary aspect of life. It is one of the closest human relationships we have.
Accountability Begins at Home: Now let me bring this back to
myself. I know that I shall be
held accountable for my deeds. The
Qur’an reminds us in Surah al-Zalzalah: “So
whoever does an atom’s weight of good will see it, and whoever does an atom’s
weight of evil will see it.” Qur’an 99:7–8
If this is true, then I cannot separate my religious life
from the way I behave at home. I
can pray. I can fast. I can recite the Qur’an. I can speak about religion. But how do I treat my wife? How do I treat my children? How do I treat my parents? How do I treat the people closest to
me? For a married man, the circle
of responsibility begins very close to home. And that is why I do not want to fail there.
Imagine standing before Allah and being confronted with the
complaint:“This person made my life miserable. He did not take care of me.
He did not give me my rights. He
was cheerful with his friends, but harsh with me at home. He could smile and speak gently to
everyone outside, but he did not extend the same kindness to me.”
What would I say? What
would I do? That thought alone
should produce a sudden realisation within me.
Rise Above the Ego: The answer begins with one simple
but difficult commitment: I have
to rise above my ego. I have to
put my ego behind me. I do not
have to win every argument. I do
not have to prove that I am the man. I
do not have to raise my voice simply because I can. I have to ask myself what is more important: my ego or my
marriage? My pride or my wife's
dignity? My need to win an
argument or my responsibility before Allah?
For me, the answer has to be clear.
Respect Her in Public and in Private: A particularly
important area is public behaviour. A
man should not humiliate or reprimand his wife in front of other people. It is not acceptable to behave lovingly
towards her in public merely to maintain appearances while treating her harshly
at home. That is not genuine
goodness. It is not enough to look
like a loving husband.
I have to work on becoming one.
I also need to recognise that women can be deeply sensitive
to words, attitudes and public humiliation.
Men can be sensitive too, of course.
But whatever the differences between men and women, deliberately hurting
one's spouse's dignity is never a virtue.
I have to work on myself. I
have to overcome these inherited taboos. I
have to overcome the tribal mindset that equates authority with harshness.
Gentleness as a Lifestyle: And here is perhaps the most
important point. Treating one's
wife well cannot be something we do once in a while. It has to become a lifestyle. Not once. Not
twice. Every day. Speak gently. Show affection. Listen. Give respect. And when emotions rise, learn to exercise restraint.
Perhaps my wife may sometimes say something harsh.I can
answer. I have a voice. Perhaps, as a man, my voice may
naturally be louder. But I can
choose not to use that strength against her. I can remain silent for the sake of Allah. This is not weakness.
This is self-control. And
genuine gentleness can be reciprocated. When
a husband consistently treats his wife with tenderness, affection and respect,
that kindness can transform the atmosphere of the home.
Paradise Begins Here (It is my choice)!: We often
imagine Paradise as something that begins after death. But perhaps the values of Paradise can begin much earlier. A home filled with mercy. A husband and wife who speak gently to
one another. Children who see
affection rather than hostility. Parents
who are respected. A family in
which people feel safe, valued and loved.
These are not merely worldly comforts. They are manifestations of values that Islam itself teaches us
to cultivate. And this is why I
want to say something to myself before I say it to anyone else. Perhaps we need to go to our wives and
say: “I am sorry.” And then say: “Henceforth, I will be a good husband.”
We must learn to say this. Indeed, I
must learn to say this.
Because perhaps the journey towards becoming a better
believer does not begin somewhere far away.
Perhaps it begins at home. With
the person sitting beside us. With
the person whose rights we encounter every single day.
And perhaps the first step towards fulfilling Huquq al-‘Ibad
is simply learning to treat the person closest to us with the dignity,
tenderness, and love that we ourselves would wish to receive.
I am telling you that a woman will reciprocate this in a
very good way. She will reciprocate that gentleness, that tenderness and
affection, and love of the husband, in a very beautiful and excellent manner. And the life of Paradise will not begin
only in the Hereafter; it will begin in this world.
I am reminded, in passing, of an extremely beautiful saying
of the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him). He said that whoever treats
his wife and children with tenderness, gentleness, and love will be with me in
Paradise in this manner.
So, while we are talking in this vein, let us also apologise
to our wives and tell them: henceforth, I will be a good husband.
We must learn to say this.
I must learn to say this.
Aamir I. Yazdani
MPhil Islamic Thought & Civilization (PAKISTAN)
MSc Irrigation Engineering (UK)
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